Scott Chaney Writes

What?!? Scott's not blogging anymore?

2011-01-25T11:29:00.008-06:00

No. I'm not blogging anymore. But, you can still take in all the wonderful hilarity, the occasional seriousness, and the frequent stupidity in the archives. And the videos? They are conveniently hosted on my YouTube page here. They're also scattered throughout the archives, so be sure to check out every post! Also, I have a site called Refresh Weekend where I get serious spiritually, which ironically can be found at refreshweekend.com. Or here.

My Last Post

2011-01-01T06:00:00.001-06:00

I just wanted to remind you that yesterday was my last post. Though, I suppose since I'm reminding you today, that would make today my last post. Sorry.

My Last Blog Entry

2010-12-31T06:52:00.005-06:00

My very first blog entry was a little daunting. I stared at the space in the box and tried to figure out some way to make it interesting. I didn't in the end, but it was my first blog. Now it's New Year's Eve. It's an end to 2010 and this stupid thing I've been doing here, and the space beneath is laughing at me again. I want to say something profound... you know, leave you with some nugget of truth or something. But instead, I'll just end with Happy New Year. Happy New Year!

A Parting Thought - This Movie of Life

2010-12-30T06:32:00.004-06:00

Life is a lot like a movie. I'm an actor and I was cast in it. But my agent didn't let me preview the script. So I act out each scene not knowing what happens in the end, or even in the next scene. I only know what has happened in the previous scenes. It's totally fruitless to try to imagine the ending. I do know the very end right before the credits roll, and I like it. I've seen it in Revelation. And I know that I'm not the star as I had thought. I'm not the main character in my own movie. The world doesn't revolve around me. Imagine that! I'm really more of a supporting actor... almost an extra. And I'm completely fine with that. (I do know that I get to share in the royalties!)

I guess all I'm trying to say here is that we need to "play out our parts" with the scripts we're handed. The Director knows what He's doing. He knows where the scenes are set, and the other actors and actresses He wants around us. We also need to keep in mind that His plan is not to create a horror movie of our lives. There will be drama and comedy for sure. Just trust. There will be days you'll wish you had a stunt double. There'll be days you won't look like you've been through "Hair and Makeup." But there'll be days when the lights are shining on you and you hear an excited, "Cut!" knowing you did your part and did it well.

For crying out loud remember this. God is love. God is the Word. The Word is Jesus. God and the Father are one. Jesus is love. The Word is love. Love casts out fear. If you feel fear, get in the Word. If you lack love in your life, get in the Word. If you don't know real love and you've never reached out for Jesus, you don't have to reach far. He's in every scene with you.

Mr. Sperry

2010-12-28T06:01:00.002-06:00

For my 4th to last blog entry, I wanted to make sure I left you with a picture of my new friend, Albert Sperry. Mr. Sperry was named by my daughter Hannah and has meant a great deal to me since acquiring him in early November. You may look at him and say, "Scott, that's a garden gnome. Why did you buy a garden gnome?" And I'd reply, "He's not just a garden gnome, he's a football gnome. And he's the wisest gnome I've ever known." He's kind of Kris Kringly in a way, wouldn't you say?

AN UPDATE - Since publishing this post, Mr. Sperry has gone on to gnome heaven. He was cracked in half. I'd rather not talk too much about it. He was a trusted friend, and he will be missed.

A Post Christmas Poem

2010-12-26T06:47:00.003-06:00

No one is reading this, my post Christmas poem.

So why am I writing it? This question I pose.

Blog readers are all with their families and friends,

And I needed to have a post today. So here it is.

That's not my family. I honestly have no idea who it is.

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-25T07:00:00.000-06:00

This Christmas Eve, remember to pray for our troops away from home.

2010-12-24T09:39:00.000-06:00

A cool message from CBS in the 70's.

2010-12-23T06:08:00.000-06:00

I love a Jazz Christmas.

2010-12-22T07:02:00.000-06:00

What's in a name? A man ahead of his time.

2010-12-21T06:07:00.001-06:00

Mr. Barboza was Email long before Al Gore invented the Internet.

What's in a name? A superhero with a superhero dad.

2010-12-20T06:04:00.002-06:00

Batman, son of Superman is 20 this year. And who knew he was Javanese!?!

What's in a name? A Rebel Alliance hero ready to face the dark side.

2010-12-18T06:01:00.003-06:00

Jed. I. Knight. Nice!

Kids Wuzzup (from Some Creative Parents!)

2010-12-17T05:09:00.000-06:00

Wuzzup!? (A Mashup of a Budweiser commercial and "A Year without a Santa Claus")

2010-12-16T06:01:00.001-06:00

Be happy, go Lucky. (It says "Merry Christmas" 200 times!)

2010-12-15T07:12:00.001-06:00

A Neil Diamond Impersonator for the Christmas Season

2010-12-14T07:08:00.000-06:00

This guy is amazing. Cheesy? Yes. But amazing.

The 12 Days of Christmas

2010-12-13T06:28:00.004-06:00

Today marks the beginning of the 12 Days of Christmas. I'd like to look at the gifts given.

A Partridge in a Pear Tree - Was the pear tree included? If so, that's a pretty good gift.

2 Turtle Doves - This is a little lame. Doves?

3 French Hens - Are French hens like cornish hens? With this gift, you either have a few meals or a few egg producing machines. Not a bad gift here.

4 Calling Birds - If someone is really lonely, I could see this. Otherwise, who wants four loud birds? Do they get along with doves?

5 Golden Rings - You can't go wrong with jewelry. Gold is timeless and in this economy, makes for a very thoughtful gift.

6 Geese A-laying - If you have a pond on your property, this might not be bad. But wouldn't they fly away for the winter? Or summer depending on where you live?

7 Swans A-swimming - Again, you need a pond. Do swan and geese get along?

8 Maids A-milking - Who couldn't use maids? Especially maids who don't mind getting their hands dirty.

9 Ladies Dancing - Free entertainment is great, but wouldn't you rather have these ladies working with the maids? I mean, there are nine of them.

10 Lords A-leaping - Alright, this is getting a little bizarre. I don't want ten guys leaping around my house. I'd tell them to get their little haughty selves out in the yard and rake the leaves or something.

11 Pipers Piping - Was this an old version of a band? I'd love to have a band. I guess the person receiving this gift owned the rights to their royalties.

12 Drummers Drumming - Weren't they a part of the piper band? And drumming would be great if it was at the right time of the day. What would the drummers do when they weren't drumming? You could start a factory or something. With the 12 drummers, 11 pipers, 10 "lords," 9 ladies and 8 maids, you could get some serious work accomplished.

Christmas Gifts for the Chilean Miners

2010-12-11T07:38:00.000-06:00

We all need some heartwarming stories this time of year. Here's another one for you. A Bosnian shoe factory will be producing special handcrafted shoes made of goat skin as a Christmas gift for the Chilean miners. "This will be a symbolic message that the miners should start a new life in new shoes,"said director Marinko Umicevic. That's not a bad idea for all of us. Maybe we should add new shoes to our Christmas wish lists. I just don't care for them to be made of goat skin. I thought this was a very thoughtful gesture by the factory's 700 employees. The image here is a Bosnian woman and her goats.

It should be noted that the 33 miners have become stars. They spend a few months some 70 feet underground and in return, they get tons of media attention, free vacations to exotic locations, jobs, endorsements, and now... goat shoes. It's all pretty amazing. You know, maybe I should make something to send to the miners. Like maybe some ostrich socks?

Meet Mr. Johnny Marks

2010-12-10T05:48:00.004-06:00

Johnny Marks, 1909-1985, was a Jewish American songwriter born in New York and schooled at Colgate and Columbia. But it's what he did in that dash in the last sentence that landed him a spot on this blog today. This was one talented man. Johnny wrote the following songs that you've no doubt heard a million times this month so far:

Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer

I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day

Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree

Holly Jolly Christmas

Run Rudolph Run (Also known as Run, Run Rudolph)

Family Rips Multiple Holes in Tree, Scott's Blog Readers Wonder Why He's Reporting it Instead of Doing a Christmas Blog

2010-12-09T05:33:00.001-06:00

In other news, the Red Sox have signed Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford, virtually guaranteeing World Series Success in 2011. !

Family Rips Hole in Tree, Angers Cardinal

2010-12-08T05:30:00.000-06:00

Stanford's Mascot

2010-12-07T06:22:00.007-06:00

Christmas makes me think of Christmas trees. And Christmas trees make me think of Stanford University. First of all, they're known as the Stanford Cardinal. Not the Cardinals. Just Cardinal. I've always thought that a bit strange. Now when you think of Cardinal, you probably picture the Louisville mascot, right? A bird that's red and maybe looks like it could benefit from some anger management classes. But not Stanford. While it's an amazing university with a very bright student body, their mascot is a tree, which is why I think of Stanford when I think about Christmas trees. And not only is it a tree, it's a fairly happy tree. It's not an overly competitive part of nature. No. This tree likes everybody and couldn't care less whether the Cardinal wins or not.

I looked this little confusing situation up and found that "The Tree" is not actually the mascot, but a member of the band. Which confuses me even more since it doesn't play an instrument. And Cardinal is a color, not the bird. They were actually the "Indians" from 1930 to 1972.

I don't know that I've clarified anything. And I suppose you don't care either way, so I'll just stop typing now. (As long as they beat the Trojans, who cares?!)

Which tree is the dry one? Yep. The one on the left.

2010-12-06T06:24:00.002-06:00

Check out this video.

2010-12-04T06:57:00.002-06:00

This stop-action animation took 2,000 hours! Remember Lite Brite? I never had one, mainly since I didn't have that kind of patience.

Happy Anniversary to My Beautiful Wife!

2010-12-03T05:41:00.003-06:00

She's stuck with me for 16 years. 16 years! When I think of how long it took me from birth to driving, I realize how long we've been married. And we're still on this road together.

Another Interesting Christmas Tree Ornament

2010-12-02T05:57:00.000-06:00

I really shouldn't have to explain anything here. Bacon? Now, I like bacon as much as the next guy. And I've devoted several blogs to bacon over the last few years. But, I'm not so sure bacon would help me get into that Christmas spirit. Although... peppermint, dark chocolate wrapped bacon pops might do the trick.

The End of Scott Chaney Writes

2010-12-01T06:30:00.006-06:00

December (which is of course the month we're now in) will be the last month for Scott Chaney Writes the blog. It's been an amazing ride since May 2008, but like a full rack of Dreamland ribs sprinkled with spices and lathered in sauce, all good things must come to an end. I'll leave the blog archives here until February or so (or heck, maybe forever) in case you want to come back and kill some perfectly good time again, but I won't be writing anything new for the site after the 31st of this month. I also have the YouTube page with close to a hundred of my old homemade videos there. Thank you for visiting all this time and supporting this ridiculous way I've tried to express myself here.

Bizarre Christmas Ornament

2010-11-30T05:40:00.000-06:00

It's that time of year. We're dusting off Christmas decorations and pulling out all those old ornaments. I wanted to show you a few this week that you probably shouldn't worry about finding a spot for. For instance, if you have a "Spaghetti Monster" yarn ornament, I'd just save yourself some storage space and trash it. I'm all for unique ways to express your holiday joy, but come on. Why would someone go to the effort of knitting such a thing? At least they included meatballs. That's how I like my spaghetti. I like lasagna better though. My wife makes a good lasagna.

Thanksgiving Last Week

2010-11-29T06:38:00.000-06:00

My First Christmasy Post

2010-11-27T06:03:00.001-06:00

Welcome to Black Friday.

2010-11-26T06:44:00.004-06:00

Black Friday is always the day after Thanksgiving, and it marks the "official" start to the Christmas shopping season. Many of the larger retailers opened at midnight last night. Others way earlier than normal. But, why is it called "Black Friday?" Some say it started in Philadelphia in 1966 to describe the streets overcrowded with cars and pedestrians. Retailers are also extending their bargains to the web if you don't care to get trampled on out there and prefer shopping in PJs.

I will add this. I was not outside our local Office Depot before the sun came up this morning. Actually, I'm in Jacksonville, Florida in a Beach House with family. And I won't be participating in the shopping festivities today. If you are though, check out this site and go find some bargains! http://bfads.net/

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-25T06:41:00.002-06:00

Of course, I said it in the headline, so I shouldn't have to repeat myself. But, Happy Thanksgiving! There'll probably be plenty of eating and some football on the agenda, but don't forget all we have to be thankful for.

Turkey Hot Tub

2010-11-24T06:37:00.002-06:00

I'm telling you ladies, this is the life.

Letter to a Turkey

2010-11-23T18:42:00.000-06:00

Dear Turkey,

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. Had you been born an eagle, you'd be protected by the United States Government. As it stands, no government on earth could protect you. I hate to say this, but you're doomed. I just wanted to put a little bit of a positive twist on this though. You're a selfless creature. Someday (probably very soon) you'll hand yourself over to a farmer to be slaughtered in a disgustingly terrifying manner, just so a family somewhere can enjoy a delicious meal. How giving is that? This Thanksgiving, you should be thankful for the opportunity to lay your life down for others. Hopefully, whoever cooks you will know the intricacies of baking and not dry you out. And hopefully, you'll be served with gravy and sides that accentuate the subtle flavors of your meat. So, you're not a bird that can fly. You're fat. You don't have wings like a peacock, the legs of a flamingo or the voice of a parrot. At least you're not a chicken. They're eaten on a much more frequent basis and probably don't enjoy the lifespan you will.

Sincerely,

Scott

It's Thanksgiving Week! Here come the turkeys.

2010-11-22T06:36:00.003-06:00

I'm struggling to find the words to include with this picture. When it comes to outfits and costumes, we do some ridiculous things. Here is a grown woman dressed in a giant turkey outfit. Why? Why do we do things like this? She's even smiling as if she's proud to be in it. It's really an indictment on the whole of humanity. This woman has unknowingly brought shame on all of us. Thanks a lot lady. There's one less thing to be thankful for this week. Although, I should be thankful this lady is not my wife. But then, is it really that bad? She's dressed as a bird. At least she isn't flaunting herself in some self-deprecating way. As I read over this blog so far, I realize how truly unfruitful my efforts have been in adding somehow to this picture. So I'll stop and just give you some little known facts about turkeys.

As far back as 1000 A.D., Native American Indians raised turkeys for food. Aztec Indians in Mexico were raising them as early as 200B.C.
Americans consume over 675 million pounds of turkey on Thanksgiving Day.
In 1947, the first Presidential pardon was ceremoniously given to a turkey.
That long, loose skin that hangs down from a turkey's neck is called a "wattle." No, I don't have a wattle.
You're feeling sleepy. There's a reason. Turkey contains an amino acid called "Tryptophan". Tryptophan sets off a chemical chain reaction that calms you down and makes you sleepy.

What if earth was attacked by a killer turkey?

2010-11-20T06:17:00.004-06:00

The Green Lantern has run out of fuel. Wonder Woman can't run anymore due to the blisters on her heels caused by her new boots. Only Flash can catch him. The Killer Turkey has wreaked havoc everywhere he clucked. Can Flash stop this powerful poultry? Will Thanksgiving be saved?

A Pilgrim Speaks

2010-11-19T05:32:00.005-06:00

Jeremiah Poulter, one of the first pilgrims to settle near Plymouth Rock, sat down with me for a few minutes recently to discuss a highly controversial topic.

ME: Mr. Poulter, it's common knowledge that many of the pilgrims weren't too excited about the fact that an imported beer made its way into your villages. Would you clarify this for me?

JP: Well, it's simple Scott. We only drank American beer here back then. I mean, we weren't even America yet. We were sure not going to drink some foreign brew from the shores of Ireland.

ME: Did you have American beer back then?

JP: Those were the days before Budweiser and Miller, and before Milwaukee's Best. But we had Poulter and Poulter Light. They were the first.

ME: So who started the petition?

JP: My wife Martha started it. And we had upwards of 40 names on it. There weren't but about 150 of us around back then. So this petition was taken seriously.

ME: Did the governor act on it?

JP: As it turned out, the governor liked Guinness, so he tore the petition up. And... this is pretty stupid Scott. I mean, nobody thinks this is funny right now.

ME: It wasn't meant to be funny. I was just trying to entertain people.

JP: Just because the picture had the whole Guinness thing written on it didn't mean you had to make up some dumb story about it. And don't you think this is probably about the Guinness Book of World records and not beer?

ME: I know. I just thought it might be fun to do. You don't have to get all angry about it. Don't look at me like that. You're the one who looks ridiculous in that pilgrim outfit.

This is my blog for 11/18/10.

2010-11-18T06:44:00.002-06:00

I want this to be meaningful. I've used a lot of "props" lately in the form of pictures and things. I wanted to entertain you today with nothing but mere words. I'd simply join together a string of sentences that left you feeling so enriched for having read it. But, here I am about four sentences in and I realize that I've failed. Maybe I've learned to lean on my props. Maybe my creative muscles have atrophied. Maybe I don't know how to spell atrophied. But I think I do since spellcheck didn't warn me. Anyway, this is my blog. And in some small and seemingly insignificant way, it's yours too.

Yet Another Creative Roadside Panhandling Sign

2010-11-17T05:39:00.004-06:00

You know, maybe I should make a sign and go stand out in downtown Franklin. "I used to be copywriter at an ad agency. Then I became a freelancer. Then I became a blogger and now I don't have any money. Please drop a few dollars in my bucket and help me rescue my family from celebrity ninjas."

Another Creative Roadside Panhandling Sign

2010-11-16T05:35:00.004-06:00

I love that this guy is so specific. He's not looking for your quarters, but he doesn't need a $20 bill either. If he specifies $4, he might be more likely to get it. And you can't go wrong with ninja stories.

(My friend Darryl Brunson just called me tonight... the night of the 16th when this posted... to let me know that this man isn't really saying he needs $4 karate lessons. He's actually just asking for $ for karate lessons. The 4 is supposed to mean for. And of course that means that he fooled me completely in front of my millions of blog readers. This is a little humiliating. I kind of liked the $4 lessons better.)

A Creative Roadside Panhandling Sign

2010-11-15T05:25:00.005-06:00

If I was going to hand my hard-earned money to someone who was possibly going to go right out and buy cigarettes and alcohol, I'd want to give it to this guy. He should be writing ad copy.

Do you ever have days where life seems to treat you like this?

2010-11-13T05:42:00.002-06:00

I do.

I will survive.

2010-11-12T06:34:00.000-06:00

I'm thankful this Veteran's Day.

2010-11-11T06:10:00.003-06:00

As Thanksgiving approaches, let's remember to give thanks for the men and women of this country (and their families) who have given everything for the cause of freedom. (Cartoon by Jeff Koterba of the Omaha World Herald)

You can't stuff this.

2010-11-10T06:32:00.000-06:00

Happy birthday to my brother, Pirate Grant!

2010-11-09T07:37:00.000-06:00

I'm sure he'll be thrilled I picked this picture. But hey, I'm an older brother. That's just the kind of thing we do.

Caterpillars... they're not just for breakfast anymore.

2010-11-08T06:05:00.001-06:00

Do you remember accidentally stepping on a caterpillar as a kid and feeling terrible about it? I'd think, "He was probably on his way to the cocoon to become a butterfly and I squashed his dreams." Well, nutritionists are now telling us that these slow and somewhat irresponsible crawlers are rich in protein. With us being in the month that offers a Thanksgiving bounty of deliciousness, I had to share this with you. In a 2004 UN survey, 85% of Central Africa Republic participants admitted to eating caterpillars. For every 100 grams of dried caterpillars, there are about 53 grams of protein.

So maybe instead of honey and sugar, we should glaze our hams and turkeys with crunchy dried caterpillars this year. It's just a thought.

I love Christmas, but...

2010-11-06T05:59:00.004-05:00

I love Christmas. Who doesn't? I suppose Muslims and Hindus and whoever else that refuses to recognize it. But, why do retailers push Thanksgiving out of the way to put up their holly and candy canes even in October? $ It's all about $. We don't go Thanksgiving shopping. Publix and Kroger and Honey Baked Ham don't want to rush Thanksgiving away I guess, but there's so much to celebrate before Christmas. We don't put our tree up until the weekend after Thanksgiving. It's more a way of letting Thanksgiving be it's own special time without feeling like the ugly step-sister. If you really think about it, Christmas is the ultimate form of Thanksgiving. We're thanking God for the gift of Jesus. (Unless you don't know to be thankful.) It's almost like the last Thursday in November is the first step into a whole month of thankfulness. I'm really thinking out loud here.

My Son's Tae Kwon Do on a Saturday Afternoon

2010-11-05T06:35:00.001-05:00

You know, you can make a video blog out of practically anything.

A Tribute Video to 84

2010-11-04T07:22:00.000-05:00

Now that the Titans have picked up Randy Moss, and our local sports journalists are salivating at the new material just waiting to be written and taped, I thought I'd share this with you.

The Canadian military may not fight, but man are they good at auto work!

2010-11-03T06:42:00.002-05:00

I could've blogged about yesterday's election and the results that came pouring in through the night, but I'm not writing a political blog. I will say that I was angered by the complete numb brains at ABC and CBS, but I won't waste my typing effort on them. So, instead, I'll share with you this video of the Canadian military at work.

It's my 41st Birthday, so I'm listing 41 reasons I like being alive.

2010-11-02T06:19:00.006-05:00

1. Jesus. And heaven is waiting when this is over.

2. Janet

3. Caleb, Hannah and Hudson

4. Extended family

5. Friends (and birthday greetings on Facebook!)

6. Sweet tea

7. College football

8. BBQ

9. Steak

10. Hot wings

11. Pizza

12. Cherry pie

13. Blackberry cobbler

14. Sprees/Fun Dip

15. I get to write.

16. Making music

17. Dr. Pepper

18. Pro football

19. I've never been attacked by ninjas.

20. Coaching kids

21. The beach

22. The lake

23. The river

24. Large creeks

25. Music

26. Chili

27. I'm not 42.

28. Not all my hair is gray yet.

29. Cars (Not that I've had many I've really enjoyed yet!)

30. Mom's fried chicken (This is actually around #10)

31. Coffee

32. Blue Bell ice cream

33. Seeing new places (vacationing... not that we do)

34. 4-Wheeling (I miss my old red ATV)

35. Memories

36. I meant the good memories.

37. Blue jeans

38. Not having to wear a tie

39. Having tons of money to spend on whatever (?)

40. I'm done with any and all schooling

41. The fact that I could think of more than 41 reasons

41

2010-11-01T06:10:00.000-05:00

Let's talk hair.

2010-10-30T05:29:00.001-05:00

With it being Halloween and all, I thought today I'd talk costumes and hair. The World Series is in full swing, and one of the stars getting some pub is Giants reliever Brian Wilson. You may have seen the "Fear the Beard" signs in San Fran. But that beard... it's got a lot of folks talking. Is it really that color? Is it even real? Could it be that he's trying to use facial hair to "outdo" his fellow pitching staff buddy Tim Lincecum's look? (You've seen Timmy and his long locks.) I say he dyes it black. When asked the other day by a reporter, he responded, "It's just dark because we play a lot of day games." Oh.... what? Wouldn't the sun lighten it? Watch him pitch for yourself and see. Maybe some of you will be going out this weekend in a Giants uniform and a fake black beard too. (I still think the best facial hair in baseball history has to go to another reliever - Goose Gossage. Here's to the Goose!)

I don't know.

2010-10-29T06:36:00.003-05:00

I tried to think of something clever to go with this picture, but I really think it speaks for itself.

Funny Exam Answers

2010-10-28T06:23:00.004-05:00

I have to admit, there were a few test questions I didn't know the answer to. OK, there were many. And on occasion, I'd fill in the blank with something stupid, hoping the teacher might chuckle and take it easy on me. It never worked. But I did want to share these from other exam takers that I found online.

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink 

A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed?

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?

A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?

A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)? 

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U

Q. What is the fibula?

A. A small lie

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean? 

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?

A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Some Towns with Interesting Names

2010-10-27T06:35:00.004-05:00

Liverpool - I'd love to go swim in one of the body's major organs.

Middelfart - I'm speechless. It's in Denmark. I guess it's better than Lowfart.

Crapstone - Well, if you hadn't eaten stones... (It's in the UK.)

Hell - It's in Michigan. Who knew?

Intercourse - It's in Pennsylvania.

Burnt Corn - Not too many chefs hail from this part of Alabama. I've been there.

Manley Hot Springs - In Alaska, I'm not going to Wuss Hot Springs.

Dead Horse - If you're going to beat one, check Alaska.

Cocked Hat - Be careful in Delaware. Their hats are always ready.

Bald Butte - Folks in Montana are a little different anyway.

Square Butte - Yep. Montana.

Idiotville - I know some people who should move up to this town in Oregon.

King of Prussia - Why is he in Pennsylvania?

Nameless - This town in Tennessee may be my favorite.

Satans Kingdom - Wait, this is Vermont. I thought Hell was in MI?

Village of Superior - There are some cocky suckers in Wisconsin.

Butt's Green - At least this English town doesn't have bald or square ones.

Tongue - Scotland's answer to some Kentucky towns. (See below.)

Upper Tooting - England's answer to Middelfart.

Kentucky takes the cake though. Check these "licker" towns out.

Beaver Lick

Bee Lick

Big Beaver Lick

Deer Lick

Flat Lick

Knob Lick

Mud Lick

Paint Lick

Salt Lick

Wolf Lick

Finally! It's National Mincemeat Day!!!

2010-10-26T06:38:00.006-05:00

National Mincemeat Day celebrates, as you would expect, mincemeat. Now, mincemeat isn't actually meat. Back in medieval days, it was developed to help preserve food. It's actually a bunch of sweet fruits mixed with a little meat and suets. I have no idea what suets are. And nowadays, the meat is often left out. The fruits include raisins, apples, pears, and often contains brandy or rum.

I will admit here that I've never had mincemeat, and just to be honest, I have no desire at all to try it. But I felt it was important to make you aware that today is a national holiday of sorts recognizing this centuries-old concoction. This kind of meaningful trivia is exactly what keeps millions of you coming back here day after day! (Thousands.) (Hundreds.) (OK, both of you.) Have a great Mincemeat Day.

Let's play a little game. "What is it?"

2010-10-25T06:23:00.004-05:00

Yes, it's gross. But that's not the answer I'm looking for. No, it's not Nancy Pelosi's legs. But you're getting closer. It's a dead giant squid that has been sliced and prepped for plastic surgery. Yes, plastic surgery. This squid was injected and made to look lifelike to give onlookers a better idea of what these beautiful creatures look like in real life. I don't know, I'm just reporting it to you.

Rangers Win! Which means... Yankees Lose!!

2010-10-23T08:09:00.004-05:00

The Texas Rangers are headed to the World Series for the first time in their history and the New York Rangers are headed to New York, or wherever they spend the offseason. This is a beautiful morning. I'm not necessarily a Yankee hater, just a disliker. And I love how the Rangers are honoring their teammate Josh Hamilton. If you don't know the story, Josh's career was over and he was out of baseball due to drugs and alcohol. He found Christ thanks to his grandmother and made a tremendous comeback. The Rangers didn't celebrate with champagne like every team in playoff history. They doused each other last night with ginger ale.

Now if the Phillies come back against the Giants like I'm hoping, I'll have a World Series I can enjoy. (Has anyone else noticed the freaks the Giants have had singing "God Bless America" in the 7th inning stretch?)

A Funny Friday Wedding Party Photo

2010-10-22T06:15:00.005-05:00

I just had to share this interesting wedding picture I found recently. There's so much I love about it. For one, how about those bridesmaids dresses? I dig the hat/wreath combo. The groom must be ugly, 'cause the bride's not smiling. The only happy girl in this shot is the innocent flower girl. Bless her heart! She has no idea how much misery her aunts are in here. To be fair, this is probably from the 80's.

What kind of candy should you dole out this year?

2010-10-21T06:37:00.001-05:00

I'll say here at the top of this blog that our family doesn't celebrate or recognize Halloween. But, whether you trick or treat all over town or attend "Harvest Parties," here's some sound advice for what to drop in bags.

Instead of Pixie Sticks for the little fairy, try Fruit Gushers or Fruit Rollups. They're lower in sugar and give jaws as good a workout as caramel squares. And instead of Red Hots for Little Red Riding Hood, try some Hersheys dark chocolate. They have flavenoids that calm kids down and actually help to purify the blood. Who knew? And for Buzz Lightyear out looking for a sugar high, skip the Skittles, Sprees and Sweet Tarts and go for good old fashioned Lifesavers. They're lower in sugar. But they're also a choke hazard for toddler Buzz's.

You might say, "What about apples and oranges?" Sure, they're way healthier. But the kids will despise you forever.

This man is 114 years old!

2010-10-20T07:34:00.000-05:00

Walter Breuning is the 4th oldest person in the world, and by far the oldest in Montana. He does hold the distinction of oldest man in the world. He was born in Melrose, Minnesota and moved to Great Falls in 1918 to go to work for the Great Northern Railway. His wife Agnes passed away way back in 1957. Now, think about this. Walter was born in 1896. Think of how much change he's seen! 1896! At the age of 100, he walked into his bank and bought a 5 year certificate of deposit because he liked the rates. Folks laughed at him, but stopped when he strolled in five years later to collect.

Why I Love October and What Chips You Should Buy

2010-10-19T06:49:00.003-05:00

I love October. It's my favorite month. Sure, November's great because of my birthday and Thanksgiving. And who doesn't love the ceremonial holly dressings and colorful trappings of the Christmas season in December. But October just warms my heart. The weather is finally turning cooler. Not cold, just cooler. But here's the real reason. Sports doesn't get any better than this month. Baseball matters in October. The playoffs are in full swing and the World Series begins. College football matters. Teams are now done with the powder puffs on their schedules and they're actually playing for their lives.

Now, with all this action on our flat screens, we have to eat. Right? Why watch a game if you're not dipping something in something? For me, it's usually chips and salsa. I prefer my dad's homemade salsa, so I won't cover salsas here. But let's talk chips. What do you buy? According to Bon Appetit, the 3rd best tasting bag at the grocery store is Santitas. They're $2 a bag. The best tasting isn't at Publix here, so I won't mention it. (OK, I will. It's Xochitl.) And the 2nd best was Natural Tostitos. But at $3.99 a bag, they're #2 on my list. Scott Chaney Writes officially recommends Santitas.

A Little Trip to Gentry's Farm

2010-10-18T06:06:00.001-05:00

My 5th and 6th Grade Football Teams

2010-10-16T07:39:00.005-05:00

I helped coach 5th and 6th grade football this season for the St. Paul Christian Academy Saints. I had way more fun than I ever imagined, and really got fired up about standing and yelling on the sidelines on Saturdays. The 6th grade team had a great season, but not necessarily from a wins and losses standpoint. The 5th grade team finished 2nd to Ensworth in the Nashville area with only one loss. (And one tie. When you're still tied after two overtimes, they call it a draw. That stinks.)

I'm not sure why I'm writing about this today. I guess I just wanted to think about it a little more even though the season just ended. And I'm not sure why I'm continuing to write about it now other than the fact that the picture to the left is way longer than the space beneath me now as I type. It just doesn't look right.

High School Football in New York City

2010-10-15T06:18:00.003-05:00

New York City officials have made some glaringly stupid decisions as of late. I won't get into that right now. I'd like to talk about a glaringly stupid decision the New York City Board of Education made way back in 1972. Herbert H. Lehman High School was given land for a football field by the geniuses at the Board in that year. The problem is, they gave them just enough land for an 80 yard football field. As any good southern football loving gentleman will tell you, football fields are 100 yards long, and actually 120 yards counting the end zones. So, Lehman High has never had a home game. The Lions have played football for 38 years on the road, rather than enjoy a home game there in the Bronx.

I don't know who Herbert H. Lehman is, but I'm sure he would love his namesake on a field visitors could visit. (Actually, I just looked big Herb up after writing that last sentence and found that he was governor of New York from 1933 to 1942 and a senator from New York from 1950 to 1957. You just don't get this kind of valuable info on any other blog.)

Viva Chilean Miners!

2010-10-14T06:31:00.005-05:00

You've no doubt seen some coverage of the trapped miners over the last 70 days. These guys have amazed me. A tiny video line was dropped down to make sure they were OK, and they're a half mile underground playing cards and singing! They were finally rescued yesterday. And after thinking about it, I knew this had to be a blog. How thankful they must've been to reach the surface and to see the faces of their wives and children. And speaking of wives, I'll bet Chile has a slight increase in child births in July of next year. It had been 70 days! This story just made me a little more thankful to be on this side of the ground. How'd they get them out of there? Click the pic below for the diagram.

Amazing Space Video!

2010-10-13T05:45:00.002-05:00

Homemade Spacecraft from Luke Geissbuhler on Vimeo.

A dad and his son created a container to house their HD video camera and an iPhone for GPS so they could find it when it returned to earth. It was sent into the front edges of space by a simple balloon. Though it was a massive balloon. I thought this was pretty cool. Check it out for yourself.

What do these two people have in common?

2010-10-12T06:35:00.005-05:00

Do they look alike? If I said yes, that would be mean. That would also be expected though because the person on the right is my sister. So guess again. OK. I'll tell you. They're both named Chris. Yesterday meant something to one of them, and today means something to the other one. Yesterday was Columbus Day, which you knew unless you live under a rock like Patrick on Spongebob. (We couldn't deposit a check because the bank was closed. I should work at a a bank.) But today is my sister's birthday. So I'd like to wish her a happy birthday. So happy birthday Chris! I would wish the other Chris a happy Columbus Day, but he's dead. And it would be a day late.

Who is "Cigar Guy?"

2010-10-11T06:52:00.003-05:00

Who is Cigar Guy, and why does anybody care? A week or so ago in the Ryder Cup, photographer Mark Pain (appropriate name) caught a now famous moment on film. Tiger hit a shot that went awry and actually crushed Mark's lens, but not until he'd already snapped the action just a fraction of a second earlier. What's got people talking about this shot is not the shot itself, but the mysterious man chewing a cigar with a massive mustache just to Tiger's right. Who is this man? Is it Cheech or Chong? No. Here's what I think.

THEORY 1

I believe this man knew about one of Tiger's previous girlfriends and was paid a very handsome amount of money to keep quiet. Thus the expensive imported Cuban cigar. How do I know it's Cuban? I can just tell. It's definitely not a Swisher Sweet! And look at that fancy hat. I'm sure the bribe cash came in handy at the fancy pants hat store. And look at the smug smile. He's a little happy that Tiger hit this terrible shot. Maybe he'd asked for more money, and Tiger talked him down a little.

THEORY 2

This man is an ex-Iranian nuclear chemist. The mustache is fake. The cigar? Just a prop. The smug smile? He's just happy to be away from Abejenadab... Amedenijad... Amedijinwad... whatever. He's left his life of evil science and aspires to become a world renowned golfer, but has to wear this little disguise until the Queen of England grants him the protection of her royal military people. What a sad life!

Unfortunately. The truth behind his identity has been revealed, and it's neither of my theories. Cigar Guy is actually 30 year old Rupesh Shingadia, an investment analyst who lives in South London... with his parents. The turban is actually a ponytail wig. He was dressed early for halloween as Miguel Angel Jimenez, the red-haired, pony-tailed, cigar smoking golfer. The mustache was even fake. That's all there is to the story. Bummer.

Vintage Ad Week

2010-10-09T05:39:00.000-05:00

Your daughter needs sugar in her life. Especially if she watusis with the gang. Do turtles need seat belts? I say no.

Vintage Ad Week

2010-10-08T05:37:00.002-05:00

If your wife just has to drive, at least put her in a safe car. That way when she wrecks, she'll make it home.

Vintage Ad Week

2010-10-07T05:34:00.002-05:00

Pall Mall retaliated beautifully. OK. So doctors smoke Camels. Santa smokes Pall Malls! Nothing puts the merry in Christmas like a hacking cough, a repulsive stench and black lungs.

Vintage Ad Week

2010-10-06T05:31:00.002-05:00

When folks began to realize that cigarettes actually kill you, no one attacked it head on in their marketing quite like Camel. If doctors smoke them, they must not be too bad. Right?

Vintage Ad Week

2010-10-05T05:29:00.002-05:00

You know, there's a reason you don't see women walking around today wearing their Emu sweaters. You certainly never saw them playing around while they grilled their sausages.

Vintage Ad Week

2010-10-04T05:20:00.006-05:00

Back in the "good old days" of 1885, toothaches were relieved instantly. And for only .15, you found yourself with a toothache every night due to the fact that you were hooked on the first lozenge. But hey, no tooth pain means you can build that toy log cabin a lot quicker!

Today is "Name Your Car" day.

2010-10-02T06:57:00.003-05:00

Please, don't let this day pass by without having named your car. That giant hunk of metal, plastic and rubber serves you faithfully, (or at least semi-faithfully depending on how old it is or what kind of car it is). The least you could do is reward it with a snazzy name. When I get my black Dodge Challenger like the one pictured (it could be awhile), I'm naming it "Happy Car," since it will make me happy to drive it. Or, not. Maybe I'll keep thinking.

October is "Seafood Month."

2010-10-01T06:04:00.004-05:00

First of all, can you believe it's October? In honor of Seafood Month, I wanted to encourage you to visit an area that was pummeled by the oil mess and is on the rebound. October 7th-10th is the Annual National Shrimp Festival, held in my old summer stomping grounds, Gulf Shores, Alabama. This is the 39th year that some 300,000 folks will get sand in their sandals and taste some of the south's finest catches. The Festival has arts & crafts vendors, bands, sand castle competitions and a whole lot of fun. Even if you can't make it that far south, go grab you some shrimp, crab or lobster and celebrate something.

Like Rays of Light

2010-09-30T07:18:00.001-05:00

Oh, this is just unfortunate.

2010-09-29T06:26:00.000-05:00

A Russian circus, well... the Great Moscow Circus... has been forced to cancel an act in which a woman swallows a live fish and regurgitates it. Australian officials consider it cruel and won't let the show go on. Can you believe that!?! Apparently some prudish circus goers complained and now it's considered a breach of the Animals Protection Act. But she vomits it up alive! The fish is alright!

Man, and I thought the bearded lady was weird. I tried to find a picture, and I suppose, thankfully I couldn't. So here's a Great Moscow Circus poster from 1994, back when they had flying cranes.

Some Random Sports Thoughts

2010-09-28T06:16:00.002-05:00

Ardolis Chapman, reliever for the Reds, threw 25 pitches last Friday night. All of them were at least 100 MPH. And one of them broke a MLB record of 105 MPH. 105! That a boy Ardolis! Though I'm not a Reds fan. The Padres won anyway.

Saturday, my Crimson Tide came from a 17-7 deficit to beat the Razorbacks 24-20. There were some ridiculous calls by the home cooking refs, in a hostile enviroment (kudos to the rowdy Arkansas fans). But as I sat on the couch biting my fingernails with my dad and son, I commented that any team who wins the national championship out of the SEC has to have a few miracles now and then. (I was picturing Mt. Cody blocking 2 field goals in the UT game last year.)

The Braves are fighting for a wildcard spot and the Red Sox are toast. The Titans... I'd rather not say. All I have now really are my Roll Tide prayers and blogs about random sports stuff. But, you do what you have to.

House Hunting on a Sunday Afternoon

2010-09-27T06:08:00.002-05:00

A Saturday Fish Head Blog Ad

2010-09-25T07:50:00.002-05:00

Perhaps the Tide's Greatest Fan

2010-09-24T05:17:00.002-05:00

Who is this happy man? This my friends is Dick Coffee. He's been to every single Crimson Tide football game since 1946. Notice I didn't say every single home game. He's attended 741 straight. This WWII vet at 88 still wears a coat and tie to the games. There's only been one game that he's come close to missing, and that was the 1964 Sugar Bowl. He couldn't make it through the snow. So, he had his car placed on a freight train and made it in time to watch his Tide railroad Ole Miss. That stroke he had in 1994? That didn't stop him either. The record is 797 consecutive games set by a USC fan. Well, sometime in the 2014 season, he'll pass it. I'll look for you in T-town Mr. Coffee! But I won't have on a coat and tie.

Crocodile Chariots of Old

2010-09-23T06:09:00.003-05:00

You and I weren't around in the late 1800's. Or even the early 1900's. That being said, I really have no clue when this photo was taken. But wouldn't it have been great back then? Sure, we wouldn't have any of our modern conveniences like bathrooms and energy drinks, but do your kids get to go for a ride in a crocodile chariot thing? Heck no!

My Daughter's English Assignment

2010-09-22T06:16:00.004-05:00

My daughter Hannah just interviewed me as a part of a writing project at school. She needed a few "good" stories of my childhood. This took me back, and tested her patience. She did wind up using three after I shared... oh I don't know... maybe a hundred? I told her about how I (with the help of my two invisible friends Jason and Bog Boy) put out an imaginary fire at my next door neighbor's house. I told her about the time I swung with all my might in the 5th grade trying to hit a bully's shoulder just to scare him, but he ducked and I plowed his face, making him cry and run home. I brought up the time I was way out on the ocean the summer I was 8 on a styrofoam board and was paddling in with my hands when I noticed a giant killer stingray beneath me. The faster I worked my way to the sand, the faster he swam. As I got almost to the shoreline, and prepared to jump off over it, I realized it was my shadow. (I know, maybe I should've made up something about wrestling a stingray.) I told her about the assignment my 2nd grade teacher (Mrs. Wilkerson) gave us to write a poem and I copied one word for word out of a book. It was called, "Reach for the Stars." You know, she thought I wrote it and told my mom who was beyond ecstatic. I finally told mom I didn't write that poem when I was a senior in high school. Ahh, memories! Now you know how Hannah felt.

My Son Hudson's Baseball Team

2010-09-21T05:42:00.004-05:00

In Spring ball, the kids play for major league teams just like they do all over the country. But I love something our baseball club is doing this fall. We're minor league teams. My son Hudson plays for the Hot Rods. They're the A team for the Rays out of Bowling Green, KY. I love that. Usually in the fall we're just a color and don't even have a name. I vote that little league clubs all over choose minor league names. They save $ in licensing, and who wouldn't rather have his son play for the Warthogs than the Yankees?

My money's on the yellow shovel.

2010-09-20T07:42:00.002-05:00

I just like this picture. I'm not sure why other than you know that crab is wondering what in the world kind of creature has invaded his beach. Kind of like we wonder what kind of socialistic freaks have invaded our... oh yeah, I'm not getting political on here. I almost forgot!

That's my King. I wonder if you know Him.

2010-09-18T06:54:00.000-05:00

Thanks for the referral Grant!

Baby Picture Week

2010-09-17T05:29:00.001-05:00

I can't take much more of this.

Baby Picture Week

2010-09-16T05:27:00.002-05:00

Please turn into a doughnut! Please turn into a doughnut!

Baby Picture Week

2010-09-15T05:25:00.001-05:00

Four lousy months till Christmas.

Baby Picture Week

2010-09-14T05:24:00.001-05:00

You better not have me on your stupid blog!

Baby Picture Week

2010-09-13T06:22:00.000-05:00

Wuzzup!?!?!

(Thanks mom for the email with these hilarious pictures. I couldn't help but add some verbiage.)

September 11

2010-09-11T06:44:00.001-05:00

Happy birthday to my mom Carole!

(God bless America and America bless God.)

Almost!

2010-09-10T06:36:00.000-05:00

My son Caleb bought some baseball cards at a flea market, and for a wonderful few minutes, we thought he'd hit the jackpot. He had found a Babe Ruth baseball card made by the Goudey Gum company with the date 1933. If we were right, it would've been worth over $8,000. But, it was too goudey to be true. If you notice the back of the card, you'll see "A Dover Reprint" at the bottom. This makes it roughly $8. Which is significantly less than $8000. Of course, he only paid $.33 , so not a bad return on investment. And it is a Babe Ruth card.

It's "Better Breakfast Month."

2010-09-09T06:48:00.001-05:00

September is "Better Breakfast" month. Now, I don't know what you had for breakfast, but I'd guess you could do better. I had cereal. I can do better. Why not try this? Get you some thick maple bacon, peppery eggs, cheesy grits, maybe a strawberry to make it look more well-rounded, and a fluffy biscuit sandwiched around a slab of butter and some blackberry preserves. Now that's a better breakfast. I'm hungry.

The Hottest Golfer in the World

2010-09-08T07:11:00.000-05:00

A golfer swung his club and started a 25 acre blaze. I'm serious. Hopefully he yelled "Fore!" instead "Fire!"

It happened at the Shady Canyon Golf Course in Irvine, California two Saturdays ago. A casual golfer, (NAME WITHHELD), ended up in the rough. No big deal there. Happens to me all the time. But on his shot from the rough, his club head hit a rock causing a spark and immediately setting the rough on fire. The blaze spread quickly, covering 25 acres. Eventually, 150 firemen showed up to extinguish it. That's a little embarrassing I think.